Almost there.
But.
Better luck next time.
“You’re not quite there yet.” I hear it in my mind a lot. It’s the answer I feel in my heart from God when I ask certain “why?!” questions. It doesn’t feel like I’m in trouble or that I’ve done something wrong or strayed. I’m just not there yet.
I’ve taken some well-meaning detours, I’ve risen above roadblocks and I’ve made the most of delays. But. I have lost sight of intent, focus…I think I’ve lost sight of myself.
I look back through photos from this past year and I see a girl doing her best. But. She’s not quite there yet.
I see a girl who said “Yes!” to a lot of other people and there dreams. I see a girl who has been squeezing hers into the margins.
I see a girl who loves to give but gave so much she was left with a tiny voice that whispered “what about me?”
I see a girl who told herself, “you’ll get there….just do this first.” But she isn’t quite there yet.
And now, as I look in the mirror, I see a girl who is tired. She is worn out and dry. But. She is as sad as she is hopeful. She is willing to feel in order to let go. She is going to say more “no’s” to others and more “yes’s” to herself. She is accepting of this awkward, lonely feeling….it feels like surrender. It feels like handing it over.
Not there yet.
But.
On my way.