STORY is my word of the year…and Ohmygoodness it’s taken me down some spiritual and self-awakening paths that I never would have imagined. “Story” has led me to think about my legacy. (Who would have thought in my early 40’s that I’m thinking about what I’ll leave behind? Surely not me!) But. This is going to be fruitful, I just know it.
These journals right here. These are a huge part of my legacy. The ponderings of my heart, the mutterings of my soul. Words, feelings, and discoveries. These books are journal entries, book notes and sermon notes. Prayers, hopes dreams, heart cries….this is me, right here in these pages.
And you, as well! Just be YOU, sweet daughter of God.
Keeping up, fitting in. All of those boxes we check for the world before we can settle in with ourselves. It’s why we feel anxious, spread thin, overwhelmed.
What if we settled in with ourselves first? Our True Self– the one God intended us to be. What if it was untainted with striving? Striving to be the way He intended for others? We cannot be good at everyone’s purpose…that’s why He gave us each ONE.
Just imagine if all of our energy went to the right places first? What if we weren’t giving “just the left-overs” to our true purpose? What if we gave it our best?!!
Joy without wonder, seeking without curiosity, feelings just on the surface. Experiences with culture, music, friendships, travels…few and far between.
The pandemic has made us small, lesser versions of ourselves. Our focus has been on survival…physically and emotionally. Managing disappointment, striving for flexibility, coming to terms with acceptance. Gray zone.
If I’m being honest, I don’t think I was living in full color pre-pandemic. Perhaps I was just going through the motions, headed toward “someday.”
We certainly know better than ever that “someday” doesn’t carry the same weight anymore. There’s no guarantee, except for today. I’m asking myself, what colors am I missing? Which ones do I need to add back? What does that look like? Which ones do I keep out? Intentionally piecing together a beautiful prism of life, both feelings and experiences.
This is not to say there hasn’t been beauty- because there has. Lessons have been learned here and they will become the pigments to new shades. I’m just so looking forward to having the full palette.
“You’re not quite there yet.” I hear it in my mind a lot. It’s the answer I feel in my heart from God when I ask certain “why?!” questions. It doesn’t feel like I’m in trouble or that I’ve done something wrong or strayed. I’m just not there yet.
I’ve taken some well-meaning detours, I’ve risen above roadblocks and I’ve made the most of delays. But. I have lost sight of intent, focus…I think I’ve lost sight of myself.
I look back through photos from this past year and I see a girl doing her best. But. She’s not quite there yet.
I see a girl who said “Yes!” to a lot of other people and there dreams. I see a girl who has been squeezing hers into the margins.
I see a girl who loves to give but gave so much she was left with a tiny voice that whispered “what about me?”
I see a girl who told herself, “you’ll get there….just do this first.” But she isn’t quite there yet.
And now, as I look in the mirror, I see a girl who is tired. She is worn out and dry. But. She is as sad as she is hopeful. She is willing to feel in order to let go. She is going to say more “no’s” to others and more “yes’s” to herself. She is accepting of this awkward, lonely feeling….it feels like surrender. It feels like handing it over.
